A little boy was overhead praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.
A Few Words
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
A Little Mouse At The Pearly Gates
A little mouse died and went to the Pearly Gates where St. Peter met him and invited to come in, but the mouse told him he wanted to look around first. St Peter said that was okay with him. After looking around the mouse approached St. Peter and told him he would like to stay but it is too big there and he would get tired running around all day. St. Peter thought for awhile and said he had just the thing for him, a pair of roller skates so the mouse decided to stay. Soon a cat died and went to the Pearly Gates where St. Peter met him and invited him in also, the cat wanted to look around too. After spotting the mouse on roller skates the cat said, "Boy oh boy, you have meals on wheels I will stay."
An Axe and Two 38"s
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop - Acts 2:38!" (..turn from your sin...) The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an AXE and two 38's!"
A Skunk-Tongue Twister
"A skunk sat on a stump.
The stump thunk the skunk stunk.
The skunk thunk the stump stunk."
A Wooden Leg
"A patient who told the doctor that his girlfriend after some months of courtship had revealed she had a wooden leg then asked, 'Should I break it off?'"
Barney
"Barney" A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?" The little girl stayed silent. Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?" Again, the little girl was silent. Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?" "Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants."
Blond Jokes
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in printer !!!
March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months .....box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours ..... power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the Other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped
Because soft-top was open.
September - The capital of California is"C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ...instructions said 1 hour
per pound and I weigh 108!!
December - Couldn't call 911 ... "duh" .....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!
Chapter 11
When the preacher's car broke down on a country road, he walked to a nearby roadhouse to use the phone. After calling for a tow truck, he spotted his old friend, Frank, drunk and shabbily dressed at the bar. "What happened to you, Frank?" asked the good reverend. "You used to be rich." Frank told a sad tale of bad investments that had led to his downfall. "Go home," the preacher said. "Open your Bible at random, stick your finger on the page and there will be God's answer."
Some time later, the preacher bumped into Frank, who was wearing a Gucci suit, sporting a Rolex watch and had just stepped our of a Mercedes. "Frank." said the preacher, "I am glad to see things really turned around for you." "Yes, preacher, and I owe it all to you," said Frank. "I opened my Bible, put my finger down on the page and there was the answer -- Chapter 11."
Reader's Digest, March, 1993, p. 71.
Choir Positions Needed
Physical Qualifications: Must be able to carry light musical notes part way across the sanctuary. Must have sufficient vision to see the director.
Experience: No applications will be accepted from persons who have not sung, hummed or whistled in the bathtub or shower at some time.
Beginning Wage: Increased satisfaction and joy in the service of God.
Fringe Benefits: Social Security. We promise you the security of social fellowship with other choir members.
Hours: Sunday afternoon at 4:45 - 5:45pm. There is occasional opportunity for overtime.
Retirement: Generally determined by the printed notes getting too small, the hymnal too heavy, notes too high, the sanctuary too hot or cold, or the organist unable to play the notes you sing.
We are an equal opportunity employer!
Crazy
"How do you tell if you are crazy? If you think you are, you are not. If you think everyone else is, you are."
Dead Preaching
One Sunday morning the pastor noticed a young man standing and staring at a large plaque hanging in the church foyer; the pastor walked over to the young man and bid him 'good morning'; the young man replied 'good morning, pastor' and not taking his eyes off the plaque asked 'sir, what is this?'; the pastor answered 'these are all the people who have died in the service'; soberly the two stood there before the plaque and after a long silence the young man asked 'which service sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?'.
Death
A little boy was seen taking a short cut across a cemetery lot just about dark. He was later asked, aren't you afraid. He answered, "No, I only cut
through here to get home." Death is only a short cut to home.
Democrats
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on US 95 south, just outside of Washington. Nothing is moving north or south.
Suddenly a man knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened?" "What's the hold up?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton.
They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. "
"We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "on average how much is everyone giving?"
waiting....
wondering....
waiting....
wondering.....
"About a gallon"
Diet
"'I see you're back from the front, ' was the comment to a soldier. He replied, 'I have lost weight, but didn't know I was that thin!'"
Doctor Bills
"When told by the doctor after treatment he would be a new man, the patient said, 'Would you send him the bill?'"
Drawing God
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the little girl replied, "They will in a minute."
"Dust To Dust"
Johnny was coming home from church one Sunday morning with his mother. His mother noticed he had a serious look on his face. "What's on your mind, Johnny?" she asked. "Is it true what the preacher said about us all coming from dust and turning back to dust?" " Why , Yes, it is, Johnny," she said. "Why do you ask?" "Well, when we get home," he answered, "You better look under my bed, because someone's either comin' or goin!"
Expectant Fathers
A group of expectant fathers were in a waiting room, while their wives were in the process of delivering babies. A nurse came in and announced to one man that his wife had just given birth to twins. "That's quite a coincidence" he responded, "I play for the Minnesota Twins!" A few minutes later another nurse came in and announced to another man that he was the father of triplets. "That's amazing," he exclaimed, "I work for the 3M company." At that point, a third man slipped off his chair and laid down on the floor. Somebody asked him if he was feeling ill. "No," he responded, "I happen to work for the 7-Up company."
Source Unknown.
George
The man in the supermarket was pushing a cart which contained, among other things, a screaming baby. As the man proceeded along the aisles, he kept repeating softly, "Keep calm, George. Don't get excited, George. Don't get excited, George. Don't yell, George."
A lady watching with admiration said to the man, "You are certainly to be commended for your patience in trying to quiet little George."
"Lady," he declared, "I'm George."
Source Unknown.
God's Voice Mail
Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided toinstall voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:
Thank you for calling heaven.
For English press 1
For Spanish press 2
For all other languages, press 3
Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for request
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all others
I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line. If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1
Jesus, press 2
Holy spirit, press 3
To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his social security # followed by the pound sign.
(If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666) For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3 16.
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.
Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow.
The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.
If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.
Thank you and have a heavenly day.
Going To Church
One balmy day in the South Pacific, a navy ship espied smoke coming from one of three huts on an uncharted island. Upon arriving at the shore they were met by a shipwreck survivor. He said, "I'm so glad you're here! I've been alone on this island for more than five years!" The captain replied, "If you're all alone on the island why do I see THREE huts." The survivor said, "Oh. We'll, I live in one, and go to church in another." "What about the THIRD hut?" asked the captain. "That's where I USED to go to church."
Gold In Heaven
This millionaire wanted take some of his money to heaven with him when he died, so he talked to God about it beforehand. He told God that he had lived a good life and all he wanted was to bring a little of his fortune with him. God finally agreed, but told the millionaire he must limit the amount to whatever he could fit into one suitcase.
The millionaire decided to make the most of it by comparing American dollars, French Francs, Japenese Yen, and every kind of currency available in the world to see to it that he fit the most possible into the suitcase. Finally, he decided the best he could do was to exchange his money for gold and place that in the suitcase.
When he died and arrived at Heaven's gate, St. Peter asked him what was in the suitcase. He told St. Peter that down on earth he had been a millionaire and that God had given him permisson to bring some of his fortune with him, as long as he could fit it into one suitcase.
St. Peter told the millionaire this was most unusual and he would have to take a look inside the suitcase before he could determine whether the millionaire could enter the gate with it. The millionaire opened the suitcase and St. Peter said, "Oh, yes. That's just pavement, please come in!"
Great Truths from Small Children
No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. You can't trust dogs to watch your food. Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac. Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time. School lunches stick to the wall. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap. It's hard to unlearn a bad word. Ask Why until you understand. It's easier to see the mistakes on someone else's paper. A pencil without an eraser may as well just be a pen. It's only fun to play school when you're the teacher. Sometimes the best one in the play has the fewest lines. Twelve is a lot older than eight. Sometimes your best move is blocked by your own checkers. Some nights it's not worth fighting over who gets the top bunk. Don't expect your friends to be as excited about your "100" as you are. Don't say that the "Last One is a Rotten Egg" unless you're absolutely sure there's a slow kid behind you. If you don't like the birthday girl, don't go to the party. Crawling still gets you there. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. Your room gets smaller as you get bigger. You can't start over just because you're losing the game When you're dressed up like a princess, it's easier to act like one. If a tree had apples last year, don't expect pears this year. One drop of black paint from the brush clouds the whole cup of water. You can't be everyone's best friend. A snow day is more fun than a vacation day. All libraries smell the same. Say grace. If you want someone to listen to you, whisper it. Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished studying. Silence can be an answer. Ask where things come from. If you throw a ball at someone, they'll probably throw it back. Don't nod on the phone.
Happy Potato Farmer
An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his entire potato field, but it was much too hard work for him alone. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was now in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his dire predicament.
Dear Bubba, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up all this land by myself. If you were here, all my troubles would be over, you've always been such a big help at planting time. Wish you could be here to help. Love, Dad.
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad, For heaven's sake, please don't dig up all your land, that's where I buried all those BODIES. Love, Bubba.
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a large group of F.B.I. agents and the local police showed up and turned up all the dirt in the entire field without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad, Okay, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under my circumstances. See you around harvest time. Love, Bubba.
Holy Land Undertaker
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker
told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man
thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and
you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take
that chance."
How many church members does it take to change a light bulb?
Whaddaya mean CHANGE??? That light bulb was given in memory of my Grandmother! My father installed it with his bare hands! He donated his time AND the use of his ladder to do it, too! My family's been members of this church for four generations! And if you think you're gonna come in here and make a bunch of changes all of a sudden, Pastor, you've got another thing coming!
How Many Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
1. How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
2. How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. God has predestined when the light will be on. Calvinists do not change light bulbs. They simply read the instructions and pray the light bulb will be one that has been chosen to be changed.
3. How many Armenians does it take to change a light bulb?
All. They need everyone to make sure it stays on. One can never really be sure.
4. How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
Change???
5. How many neo-orthodox does it take to change a bulb?
No one knows. They can't tell the difference between light and dark.
6. How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.
7. How many independent fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, because any more might result in too much cooperation.
8. How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
At least ten, as they need to hold a debate on whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb, they still might not change it, to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light.
9. How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They always use candles.
10. How many worship leaders who use guitars does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.
11. How many members of an established fundamental Bible teaching church that is over 20 years old does it take to change a light bulb?
One to actually change the bulb, and nine to say how much they liked the old one.
12. How many United Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?
This statement was issued: "We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb (or light source, or non-dark resource), and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted-all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence. "
13. How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?
"What's a light bulb?"
14. How many youth pastors does it take to change a light bulb?
Youth pastors aren't around long enough for a light bulb to burn out.
15. How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
109. Seven on the Light Bulb Task Force Subcommittee, who report to the 12 on the Light Bulb Task Force, appointed by the 15 on the Trustee Board. Their recommendation is reviewed by the Finance Committee Executive of 5, who place it on the agenda of the 18 member Finance Committee. If they approve, they bring a motion to the 27 member church Board, who appoint another 12 member review committee. If they recommend that the Church Board proceed, a resolution is brought to the Congregational Business Meeting. They appoint another 8 member review committee. If their report to the next Congregational Business Meeting supports the changing of a light bulb, and the Congregation votes in favor, the responsibility to carry out the light bulb change is passed on to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoint a 7 member committee to find the best price in new light bulbs. Their recommendation of which Hardware Store has the best buy must then be reviewed by the 23 member Ethics Committee to make certain that this hardware store has no connection to Disneyland. They report back to the Trustee Board who, then commissions the Trustee in charge of the Janitor to ask him to make the change. By then the janitor discovers that one more light bulb has burned out.
-Author unknown
Is God Is Left Handed?
Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful. His grandmother remarked..."doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?" Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed." This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?" "Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"
It's Hot Down Here
Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer (JenJohnson@AOL.com). Unfortunately, he forgot his wife's exact e-mail address and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs.Joan Johnson (JJohnson@AOL.com) of New Jersey, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away. The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted.
When she was finally revived by her daughter, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here."
Johnnys Got A Nickle
Johnny was going off to church one morning with several of his friends. His mother gave him two nickels, " One for you and one for God," she said. As Johnny and his friends walked along, He was flipping a nickel up in the air and catching it, over and over. Finally, one time he missed it and it rolled down a sewer. "Oops!" he said. "There goes God's nickel!"
Joints
"The best cure for getting stiff in the joints is to stay out of them."
Keys locked in car.
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.
She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that her the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."
So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"
Lies that are told.
A Minister was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.
The group had surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."
Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."
Moved Lately?
There's an old story about two young children who were standing on the corner, bragging about who had moved from state to state the most. One little boy said, "My family has moved three times in the last three years." "Hey!" said the other little boy. "That's nothing. My parents have moved five times this year -- and I found them every time!" It's safe to say that this second boy came from a home without a strong sense of belonging.
G. Smalley and John Trent, Ph.D., The Gift of Honor, p. 89.
Noah Build An Ark
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me and ark."
And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an ark. "Okay," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have My ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."
And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no ark.
"Noah," shouted he Lord, "where is My ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah.
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the ark construction project, and Your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
"Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.
"Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going n the boat, and still now owls.
"Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on Your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
"Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire; the IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country; and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of "use tax."
"I really don't think I can finish Your ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean You're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.
"No," said the Lord sadly, "Government already has."
One Liners
Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
*******
Some people are kind, polite, and
sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews.
*******
Many folks want to serve God,
but only as advisors.
*******
It is easier to preach ten sermons
than it is to live one.
*******
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
*******
When you get to your wit's end,
you'll find God lives there.
*******
People are funny; they want the front
of the bus, the middle of the road, and
the back of the church.
*******
Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.
*******
Quit griping about your church;
if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
*******
If the church wants a better pastor,
it only needs to pray for the one it has.
*******
Some minds are like concrete thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
*******
I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?
*******
A lot of church members who are singing
'Standing on the Promises'
are just sitting on the premises.
*******
Don't put a question mark
where God put a period.
*******
Don't wait for 6 strong men
to take you to church.
*******
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
*******
God doesn't call the qualified,
He qualifies the called.
*******
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
*******
God loves everyone, but prefers 'fruits of the spirit' over 'religious nuts!'
*******
God promises a safe landing,
not a calm passage.
*******
He who angers you, controls you!
*******
If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats!
*******
Prayer:
Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
*******
The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
*******
The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.
*******
We don't change the message,
the message changes us.
*******
You can tell how big a person is
by what it takes to discourage him.
*******
The best mathematical equation
I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.
Painting the Porch
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to -do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, " You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled Husband asked.
"Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.
"And by the way, " the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
Quiet In Church
A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Rules Of The South
If you are going to live or visit in the South, you need to know these rules:
1. That farm boy you see at the gas station did MORE work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a gravel road. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get out of the way.
3. The red dirt -- it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the color, don't wash your car for a couple weeks -- it'll be permanent.
4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for -- bait.
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards (ducks) are making their final approach, we will shoot it (the phone). You might want to ensure it's not up to your ear at the time.
8. No, there's no Vegetarian Special on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
9. Tea - yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is really, really sweet. You want it hot -- sit it in the sun. You want it unsweetened -- add a LOT of water.
10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
11. So, you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have a quarter of a million-dollar combine (it's farm equipment) that we only use two weeks a year.
12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
13. We eat dinner together with our families. We pray before we eat (yeah, even breakfast). We go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays and we go to high school football games on Friday nights. We still address our seniors with yes, sir and yes, ma'am, and we sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see friends and neighbors.
14. We don't do hurry up well.
15. Greens - yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You boil them with salty fatback, bacon or a ham hock.
16. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream (pronounced brim) and carp.. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
17. They are pigs. That's what they smell like (money). Get it -- pig farms -- income -- money? Get over it. Don't like the smell? Interstate 77 goes two ways Interstate 20 goes the other two. Pick one.
18. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper on them. If you want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want Cream of Wheat -- go to Kansas. That would be I-20 west.
19. The Opener refers to the first day of deer season or dove season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before daylight at the church on either day.
20. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
21. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish and bothers the gators...and if you hit it in the rough, we have these things called diamondbacks, and they're not baseball players.
22. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot...his name is Sir, no matter how young he is.
23. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a logo on your hood..
24. You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislature -- all four of them -- enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $2.50 fine for beating up the flag burner.
25. No, we don't care how you do things up North. If it is so great up there, why not stay there?
26. And no, down here we don't have an accent, you do.
In God We Trust.
YA'LL COME BACK!
Author Unknown
Sex
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens." "How did you know that?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
Pearl Scully
Shopping For A Man
A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:- 'You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. The 1st floor sign reads: Floor 1 These men have jobs. The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the 4t floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists sorely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
If a church's average morning attendance is 100, how many will attend a Sunday evening service? (Answer: about ten) If a church's average morning attendance is 2,500, how many will attend a Sunday evening service? (Answer: A Sunday evening what?) Pastor Price has been at First Church for three years, and attendance has been growing at a rate of 11.3 percent annually, volunteerism is up, the budget is balanced, & the bathrooms painted. What percentage salary increase can Pastor Price expect? (Answer: He will be fired for painting the bathrooms without calling a congregational meeting.) When listening to a colleague preach, what percentage of pastors are convinced they could do a better job? (Answer: 63%. The rest aren't listening at all.) What percentage of a pastor's time is spent in each of the following areas? A. Prayer (Answer 3%) B. Study & preparation (Answer: 8%) C. Member care & counseling (Answer: 5%) D. Leadership & Administration (Answer: 2%) E. Little things pastors were not trained for, rarely understand, & are not in any job description (Answer: 81%)
Ten Commandments
A Sunday School class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall and quoted, "Thou shalt not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."
Test For Mothers
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
“Why?” my daughter asked.
“Because it’s been on the ground, you don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty, and probably has germs,” I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked,
“Momma, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart.”
I was thinking quickly.
“All moms know this stuff. It’s on the Mom Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mom.”
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
“OH…I get it!” she beamed, “So if you don’t pass the test you have to be the dad.”
”Exactly,” I replied back with a big smile on my face.
The Alphabet Prayer
PRAYER An elderly gentleman passed his granddaughter's room one night and overheard her repeating the alphabet in an oddly reverent way. What on earth are you up to?" he asked. "I'm saying my prayers," explained the little girl. "But I can't think of exactly the right words tonight, so I'm just saying all the letters. God will put them together for me, because He knows what I'm thinking."
The Bible According to KIDS
The Bible According to KIDS
The cute statements below are said to have been written by actual students and are genuine, authentic and not retouched or corrected:
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
THE COWBOY AND THE BEAR
THE COWBOY AND THE BEAR
It seems a cowboy from Colorado skipped church one Sunday to go bear hunting in the mountains. As he turned the corner along the path, he and a bear collided. The cowboy stumbled backwards, slipped off the trail and began tumbling down the mountain with the bear in hot pursuit. Finally the cowboy crashed into a boulder, sending his rifle in one direction and breaking both legs. As the bear closed in, the cowboy cried out in desperation, "Lord, I'm sorry for what I have done. Please forgive me and save me! Lord, please make that bear a Christian." Suddenly, the clouds parted and a beam of light shown down on the bear. The bear skidded to a halt at the cowboy's feet, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and said, "God, bless this food which I am about to receive."
The Millionaire
The Millionaire
At a church meeting a very wealthy man rose to tell the rest of those present about his Christian faith. "I'm a millionaire," he said, "and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I remember that turning point in my faith. I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and had to either give it all to God's work or nothing at all. So at that moment I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today."
He finished and there was an awed silence at his testimony as he moved toward his seat. As he sat down a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said to him: "I dare you to do it again."
The Perfect Marriage
Adam & Eve had the perfect marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married and she didn't have to hear about how well his mother cooked!
Things You Never Hear In Church
Things you never hear in church.............. 1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew. 2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time. 3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf. 4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists. 5. I volunteer to be
